What is Raw?

Me.

I will probably always use that word to describe how I felt the day after I found out. It's like I scraped my knee, and all the skin rubbed off. The area burning, and unprotected. It heals, but then when I bend it, it cracks open again. I put a band aid on it. The band aid stays, until I hop in the pool. And on my way out, I bump it again. The wound is raw and slow to heal.

It's been 6 weeks since I found out. Since the day my life completely changed. I have been Absolutely Raw, now, for 41 days. Not that I'm counting....

So what is it...what did I find out?

Well, I'm a woman. A married one at that. I'm a mother, a teacher, an active community member. I probably have a LOT in common with you. I'm happy, I smile a lot. People think that I'm nice. People ask me for help. I'm dependable and I love animals.

On my 32nd birthday, I came home from work and was greeted by my children. My children and husband took me out to a fantastic birthday dinner and spoiled me with a brand new designer purse. They'd even gotten me my favorite cake for dessert! When we got home from dinner, the kids decided to invite friends over for the cake celebration. My husband needed to run out for milk and some other items. As the children were off running about, I had this sudden urge that I needed to look for something...find something.

I don't really know what the deal was. All I can say is that it's probably intuition. They say that we women HAVE that and now I firmly believe we do. I also believe we should be careful when we choose to listen to it. My timing sucked.

The minute my husband walked out the door, I tore into his brief case.

I found things I wish I'd never found.

Bras. Panties. Brand new, tags on. Wrapped from Victoria's Secret. A dress, wrapped in tissue. I Instantly they weren't for me. But ever the positive one, I checked sizes, just to be sure. Okay, in hind sight, I was sort of hoping "Hey, if they aren't for ME, maybe HE is into wearing this shit?" But the sizes proved wrong on both accounts.

Not my dress size. Not my bra size. And NOTHING he'd ever fit into.

I dug deeper. I found receipts. Airline tickets. Car rental receipts.

I found evidence to tell me that he'd been having an affair since at least January. And that every time he was on a business trip in East YoYosburg, he was actually in her city. With her.

I hid the receipts. I don't know why, for some reason I thought I'd need them. Divorce court?

He came home to me sitting on our bed, panties in hand. Dress laying next to me. I showed him the stash I'd found, and told him we were over. Ten minutes later, my house filled with friends to celebrate my birthday.

I didn't eat my cake that night. Pretty remarkable for someone who was also 28 weeks pregnant at the time.....