Start at the top, or, rather, the bottom....
Today marks two months.
It's been two months since I found out that my husband had an affair.
Today also marks 4 weeks until I have our baby.
What I've learned to this point is that he began "mingling" with her in the fall. In January it came to physical fruition, and they were together again once in February, March, and April.
She, too, is married. A mother.
Two months after finding out, I am more angry than I have felt before.
I am angry with him. Yes...we had problems. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat, and I declined. Because it's not right. It's not how to solve a relationship. The problems we had before could have been fixed. Now, I'm not sure they'll ever get fixed. How do you fix the problem of not trusting the person you share a bed with?
I am angry with her. What kind of a two bit whore sleeps with a married man whose wife is pregnant? Yes. She knew. And still slept with him. I find myself wishing bad things on her.
The anger doesn't go away. It gets worse.
Why did he buy her shit at Victoria's Secret? What the fuck was that all about?
What did she buy him?
Did they get together just to do it, or did they spend the night together?
Did he love her?
Is he still talking to her.....
My anger over the issue has driven a wedge between us again. I can't look at my husband without thinking about what he did. I can't begin to forgive him, because I still don't trust him.
As I sit here right now, today....I don't want him in my delivery room. I don't want him around when my baby is born. He doesn't deserve it.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The day after I found out he was a wreck. I was still taking the "divorce" standpoint. Threatening not to come home. But he met me after work, and we went to go talk. It was an okay talk, and I agreed to keep an open mind and see where we went.
I realized, from our talks, that our relationship had, over the last 13 years, lots of cracks. And so, being the wanna-be psychologist, I decided to do some evaluating.
I bought books. The first book I bought was William Harley's His Needs Her Needs. I liked this book as it pointed out how men and women have different needs in their relationships. How those needs are different, and how, if those needs remain unmet, it can lead to an affair. The book made sense to me. So based on BarnesandNoble.com's suggestion, I bought his follow up book on how to Survive an Affair. I didn't like that book so much. It pissed me off. Maybe it wasn't the book...maybe it was the shift in my perspective...the anger starting to rise.
The whole optimistic view on my husband's affair managed to last less than 10 days.
A week after I learned of his affair, my husband went out of town on business again. Guess where to? Yup. So I had that whole week to obsess and dig.
I learned that months earlier, when he'd told me he went to Seattle, he'd actually gone to her city. About 10 days after I first found out I had my first real, hard, cold PANIC ATTACK.
I remember sitting in my school, thankfully it was a testing week so I didn't have students, and the sweat began to form on my palms. I couldn't breathe. The visualization of my husband, naked, in bed with another women took over.
For the first time I was thinking:
What did they DO all those times?
Did he like it better with her?
I knew she was skinnier (based on sizes) than me...is that what he wanted?
Did he love her.....
I realized, from our talks, that our relationship had, over the last 13 years, lots of cracks. And so, being the wanna-be psychologist, I decided to do some evaluating.
I bought books. The first book I bought was William Harley's His Needs Her Needs. I liked this book as it pointed out how men and women have different needs in their relationships. How those needs are different, and how, if those needs remain unmet, it can lead to an affair. The book made sense to me. So based on BarnesandNoble.com's suggestion, I bought his follow up book on how to Survive an Affair. I didn't like that book so much. It pissed me off. Maybe it wasn't the book...maybe it was the shift in my perspective...the anger starting to rise.
The whole optimistic view on my husband's affair managed to last less than 10 days.
A week after I learned of his affair, my husband went out of town on business again. Guess where to? Yup. So I had that whole week to obsess and dig.
I learned that months earlier, when he'd told me he went to Seattle, he'd actually gone to her city. About 10 days after I first found out I had my first real, hard, cold PANIC ATTACK.
I remember sitting in my school, thankfully it was a testing week so I didn't have students, and the sweat began to form on my palms. I couldn't breathe. The visualization of my husband, naked, in bed with another women took over.
For the first time I was thinking:
What did they DO all those times?
Did he like it better with her?
I knew she was skinnier (based on sizes) than me...is that what he wanted?
Did he love her.....
Monday, June 7, 2010
So after I found out....
First time visitor at Raw? History: What is Raw
The night I found out was, as I said, my birthday. After my friends had their cake, and the children played, it was a normal night. I put on my face smile, bathed and bedded my children. I was almost numb at that point.
Once the children were in bed, I returned to my bedroom. I told my husband, of 13 years, father of my soon to be 3 children, that our marriage was over.
"Who is she?"
"She's not who you think she is..."
Back in January I accused him of becoming attached to some stupid woman from his high school years over his Facebook page. This woman obviously had the hots for him, as she had had public disagreements with my comments on his Facebook page. Soon after that, he took his page private.
But it wasn't her.
It was, however, someone from his high school days.
Fucking Facebook.
A girl he'd re-connected with at his 20th high school reunion in the Fall. They'd sparked up a friendship over the reunion activities and spent the night of the reunion talking. She is married and a mother, too. They were missing the same things and reconnected by talking.
You see, I KNOW my marriage had problems. I'm not a moron. We argued. We had a lot of stress- financial, and a special needs kid. But we had an amazing sex life. That's what I always thought was our clincher....I thought our sex life was my guarantee for him to not screw around. But I was wrong. No matter WHAT they say about men in those advice books...they do want and need more than just sex....
I asked him why he bought her stuff. How many times he saw her. I repeated that we were over. That I couldn't be married to him. He cried. I cried. We fell asleep crying together, holding each other....
The next morning, I felt as if all the skin on my body had been sanded off. Teary eyed I drove to work. Greeting my 200 students at 7 a.m. and wondering how I could POSSIBLY hold it together. But I wasn't angry. I wasn't mad at all.
"Be careful it doesn't sneak up on you...." is what my best friend warned me of that morning, when she asked how I was holding up.
I should have listened to her....
The night I found out was, as I said, my birthday. After my friends had their cake, and the children played, it was a normal night. I put on my face smile, bathed and bedded my children. I was almost numb at that point.
Once the children were in bed, I returned to my bedroom. I told my husband, of 13 years, father of my soon to be 3 children, that our marriage was over.
"Who is she?"
"She's not who you think she is..."
Back in January I accused him of becoming attached to some stupid woman from his high school years over his Facebook page. This woman obviously had the hots for him, as she had had public disagreements with my comments on his Facebook page. Soon after that, he took his page private.
But it wasn't her.
It was, however, someone from his high school days.
Fucking Facebook.
A girl he'd re-connected with at his 20th high school reunion in the Fall. They'd sparked up a friendship over the reunion activities and spent the night of the reunion talking. She is married and a mother, too. They were missing the same things and reconnected by talking.
You see, I KNOW my marriage had problems. I'm not a moron. We argued. We had a lot of stress- financial, and a special needs kid. But we had an amazing sex life. That's what I always thought was our clincher....I thought our sex life was my guarantee for him to not screw around. But I was wrong. No matter WHAT they say about men in those advice books...they do want and need more than just sex....
I asked him why he bought her stuff. How many times he saw her. I repeated that we were over. That I couldn't be married to him. He cried. I cried. We fell asleep crying together, holding each other....
The next morning, I felt as if all the skin on my body had been sanded off. Teary eyed I drove to work. Greeting my 200 students at 7 a.m. and wondering how I could POSSIBLY hold it together. But I wasn't angry. I wasn't mad at all.
"Be careful it doesn't sneak up on you...." is what my best friend warned me of that morning, when she asked how I was holding up.
I should have listened to her....
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Why Write?
In all honesty, I don't know what the hell else to do.
I thought the adage of "time heals everything" would work in this situation. But here I am, 45 days out, still feeling, RAW. You may not like the language I use. You may not like how I get very detailed. But remember, if you've never been in my shoes, you have no clue what it's like. 60 days ago, I would have judged myself poorly.
I have good days and bad days. Lately, I seem to be having more bad days. I am going to re-trace the steps of my journey, from finding out, to where I am now. I am writing about it because I hope that I can get some of the things that are on my mind, OUT, and if I can get them OUT, perhaps I can help heal. Comments will help me. If you think I'm being an idiot about something, obsessing...call me on it.
Additionally, I've tried to find many resources for women like me. Books, blogs, magazine articles. But the bottom line is, right now, they all suck. I just want a big hug, and someone to tell me, "You're AWESOME, Your husband's a terd!" And that's not what I'm finding. Apparently I'm to blame for the problems that led up to the affair. I share a responsibility. Well fuck that. I don't agree with that!
Perhaps I am responsible for problems that messed our our relationship. Okay, hell with the Perhaps part. Yes, I am responsible for being a moody bitch. I am responsible for taking part in arguments. However, I am not responsible for his deciding to unite his privates with another person's. I didn't make that move. That's not my fault. And that...simple physical act...is where I have a problem.
I thought the adage of "time heals everything" would work in this situation. But here I am, 45 days out, still feeling, RAW. You may not like the language I use. You may not like how I get very detailed. But remember, if you've never been in my shoes, you have no clue what it's like. 60 days ago, I would have judged myself poorly.
I have good days and bad days. Lately, I seem to be having more bad days. I am going to re-trace the steps of my journey, from finding out, to where I am now. I am writing about it because I hope that I can get some of the things that are on my mind, OUT, and if I can get them OUT, perhaps I can help heal. Comments will help me. If you think I'm being an idiot about something, obsessing...call me on it.
Additionally, I've tried to find many resources for women like me. Books, blogs, magazine articles. But the bottom line is, right now, they all suck. I just want a big hug, and someone to tell me, "You're AWESOME, Your husband's a terd!" And that's not what I'm finding. Apparently I'm to blame for the problems that led up to the affair. I share a responsibility. Well fuck that. I don't agree with that!
Perhaps I am responsible for problems that messed our our relationship. Okay, hell with the Perhaps part. Yes, I am responsible for being a moody bitch. I am responsible for taking part in arguments. However, I am not responsible for his deciding to unite his privates with another person's. I didn't make that move. That's not my fault. And that...simple physical act...is where I have a problem.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
What is Raw?
Me.
I will probably always use that word to describe how I felt the day after I found out. It's like I scraped my knee, and all the skin rubbed off. The area burning, and unprotected. It heals, but then when I bend it, it cracks open again. I put a band aid on it. The band aid stays, until I hop in the pool. And on my way out, I bump it again. The wound is raw and slow to heal.
It's been 6 weeks since I found out. Since the day my life completely changed. I have been Absolutely Raw, now, for 41 days. Not that I'm counting....
So what is it...what did I find out?
Well, I'm a woman. A married one at that. I'm a mother, a teacher, an active community member. I probably have a LOT in common with you. I'm happy, I smile a lot. People think that I'm nice. People ask me for help. I'm dependable and I love animals.
On my 32nd birthday, I came home from work and was greeted by my children. My children and husband took me out to a fantastic birthday dinner and spoiled me with a brand new designer purse. They'd even gotten me my favorite cake for dessert! When we got home from dinner, the kids decided to invite friends over for the cake celebration. My husband needed to run out for milk and some other items. As the children were off running about, I had this sudden urge that I needed to look for something...find something.
I don't really know what the deal was. All I can say is that it's probably intuition. They say that we women HAVE that and now I firmly believe we do. I also believe we should be careful when we choose to listen to it. My timing sucked.
The minute my husband walked out the door, I tore into his brief case.
I found things I wish I'd never found.
Bras. Panties. Brand new, tags on. Wrapped from Victoria's Secret. A dress, wrapped in tissue. I Instantly they weren't for me. But ever the positive one, I checked sizes, just to be sure. Okay, in hind sight, I was sort of hoping "Hey, if they aren't for ME, maybe HE is into wearing this shit?" But the sizes proved wrong on both accounts.
Not my dress size. Not my bra size. And NOTHING he'd ever fit into.
I dug deeper. I found receipts. Airline tickets. Car rental receipts.
I found evidence to tell me that he'd been having an affair since at least January. And that every time he was on a business trip in East YoYosburg, he was actually in her city. With her.
I hid the receipts. I don't know why, for some reason I thought I'd need them. Divorce court?
He came home to me sitting on our bed, panties in hand. Dress laying next to me. I showed him the stash I'd found, and told him we were over. Ten minutes later, my house filled with friends to celebrate my birthday.
I didn't eat my cake that night. Pretty remarkable for someone who was also 28 weeks pregnant at the time.....
I will probably always use that word to describe how I felt the day after I found out. It's like I scraped my knee, and all the skin rubbed off. The area burning, and unprotected. It heals, but then when I bend it, it cracks open again. I put a band aid on it. The band aid stays, until I hop in the pool. And on my way out, I bump it again. The wound is raw and slow to heal.
It's been 6 weeks since I found out. Since the day my life completely changed. I have been Absolutely Raw, now, for 41 days. Not that I'm counting....
So what is it...what did I find out?
Well, I'm a woman. A married one at that. I'm a mother, a teacher, an active community member. I probably have a LOT in common with you. I'm happy, I smile a lot. People think that I'm nice. People ask me for help. I'm dependable and I love animals.
On my 32nd birthday, I came home from work and was greeted by my children. My children and husband took me out to a fantastic birthday dinner and spoiled me with a brand new designer purse. They'd even gotten me my favorite cake for dessert! When we got home from dinner, the kids decided to invite friends over for the cake celebration. My husband needed to run out for milk and some other items. As the children were off running about, I had this sudden urge that I needed to look for something...find something.
I don't really know what the deal was. All I can say is that it's probably intuition. They say that we women HAVE that and now I firmly believe we do. I also believe we should be careful when we choose to listen to it. My timing sucked.
The minute my husband walked out the door, I tore into his brief case.
I found things I wish I'd never found.
Bras. Panties. Brand new, tags on. Wrapped from Victoria's Secret. A dress, wrapped in tissue. I Instantly they weren't for me. But ever the positive one, I checked sizes, just to be sure. Okay, in hind sight, I was sort of hoping "Hey, if they aren't for ME, maybe HE is into wearing this shit?" But the sizes proved wrong on both accounts.
Not my dress size. Not my bra size. And NOTHING he'd ever fit into.
I dug deeper. I found receipts. Airline tickets. Car rental receipts.
I found evidence to tell me that he'd been having an affair since at least January. And that every time he was on a business trip in East YoYosburg, he was actually in her city. With her.
I hid the receipts. I don't know why, for some reason I thought I'd need them. Divorce court?
He came home to me sitting on our bed, panties in hand. Dress laying next to me. I showed him the stash I'd found, and told him we were over. Ten minutes later, my house filled with friends to celebrate my birthday.
I didn't eat my cake that night. Pretty remarkable for someone who was also 28 weeks pregnant at the time.....
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