The day after I found out he was a wreck. I was still taking the "divorce" standpoint. Threatening not to come home. But he met me after work, and we went to go talk. It was an okay talk, and I agreed to keep an open mind and see where we went.

I realized, from our talks, that our relationship had, over the last 13 years, lots of cracks. And so, being the wanna-be psychologist, I decided to do some evaluating.

I bought books. The first book I bought was William Harley's His Needs Her Needs. I liked this book as it pointed out how men and women have different needs in their relationships. How those needs are different, and how, if those needs remain unmet, it can lead to an affair. The book made sense to me. So based on BarnesandNoble.com's suggestion, I bought his follow up book on how to Survive an Affair. I didn't like that book so much. It pissed me off. Maybe it wasn't the book...maybe it was the shift in my perspective...the anger starting to rise.

The whole optimistic view on my husband's affair managed to last less than 10 days.

A week after I learned of his affair, my husband went out of town on business again. Guess where to? Yup. So I had that whole week to obsess and dig.

I learned that months earlier, when he'd told me he went to Seattle, he'd actually gone to her city. About 10 days after I first found out I had my first real, hard, cold PANIC ATTACK.

I remember sitting in my school, thankfully it was a testing week so I didn't have students, and the sweat began to form on my palms. I couldn't breathe. The visualization of my husband, naked, in bed with another women took over.

For the first time I was thinking:

What did they DO all those times?
Did he like it better with her?
I knew she was skinnier (based on sizes) than me...is that what he wanted?
Did he love her.....