Back in the blogging Saddle

No, I didn't crawl into a hole and die, much as I wish I could have some days.

I've been busy...having my baby.

With much joy and delight, my baby was welcomed to the world mid-July. Apparently I'm not a horrendous person, because for some reason, God gave me this wonderful, beautiful perfect little thing. And she couldn't have come at a better time, for she is the only reason I wake up some days.

When your husband has an affair, it sucks.

When he has an affair while you're pregnant, it really sucks.

The hell you go through as part of the normal baby blues when amplified by your husband's affair...incomprehensible, unless you're here with me.

There are days I don't want to open my eyes to the sun light. There are days I don't want to take my feet off the bed. My mind has dragged my body into such a deep and dark place, I physically ache.

And then she cries.

She's hungry, so I must open my eyes, and when I look at her, I smile and forget the pain.

She's wet, so I must throw my feet to the ground, grab a diaper, and change her.

Those tasks which are so rote to any experienced mother, have saved my life time and time again. I believe, without a doubt, this baby is my angel.

Things with my husband have gone literally from: horrendous to getting better to questionable to I believe we'll survive to It's Over.

I am currently in the "It's Over" stage. That being said, I don't know if it's truly OVER, I am just feeling hurt, devastated, and like I still can't trust him.

Things had been going okay, as in, I thought we could potentially move forward. They weren't great, but I was able to live with him and co-parent effectively. And then...

I found out, just three weeks ago that he had talked to her again. Apparently she didn't know I was pregnant. Funny because when I first found out about the affair he swore she knew. However, she some how found out about it after I had the baby and the shit hit the fan. According to him, that drove her to start texting him again. He said he felt bad for her and had to quell things, for fear of what she might do.

What she might do?

Are you fucking kidding me? Here I am...having just delivered a baby, in the hospital recovering from MAJOR surgery, and you were afraid of what SHE might DO?

Let the bitch kill her self, what the hell would I care? How dare she be upset. And have SO LITTLE RESPECT for another woman, or HERSELF, and contact him during a very delicate time. Perhaps one should be worried about what I would do, considering she's a married woman and probably doesn't want her universe finding out what she's been up to.

This pretty much broke the camel's back and threw things into the ditch. I don't think my marriage will recover, and it's just a matter of me trying to survive at this point.